The Jon Stewart Shrine


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Here are some of my favourite Jon quotes!

These are the quotes that make me laugh hysterically every time i read them!

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

"When you put a child on top of the car next to your coffee that's a child left behind."

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio. But I guess I'd want to marry Tom Cruise, because he's much more responsible. I think Leo would play around on me. And I could never trust him on a cruise ship, obviously. You know me, I wouldn't go out with these guys unless I was going to sleep with them. I mean, if I'm putting up dinner and a movie for Leo, he'd damn well better put out. In response to question, "Who would you want to sleep with, date, or even marry?"

"What's a typical day like? Well, I like to get up at 7:30 and go to Jazzercise. Then I go for a muffin, preferably home-baked. Then, of course, I get home in time for 'The View.' Gotta see the girls every day."

"In the old days, people would love to talk about their eccentric uncle: 'You got to see him. He lives in a house made of bottles.'"

"I have the reasoning of a retail store: It's all about volume. 'I will not be undersold' is my new motto."

"My basic advice to people is to just do it. I know it sounds corny, but you have to follow your gut toward what you want to do, for your own sanity. That, and drink milk."

"I enjoy being good at nothing."

"As long as I can remember, I wanted to sleep late, stay up late, and do nothing in between."

"I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else."

"Note to self: Get high after show, not before. It's affecting your warm-up."

"When it comes to reproduction, my motto is 'SAFETY FIRST!'"

"I happen to be a crossing guard in the mornings and I had forgotten that today was the first day of school but to Miss Fergsons kindergarten class im so sorry about y'all getting run over by that van."
"KKK adopts a highway. Joke's on them - it's black."
"You ever seen the back of a 20 on weed. Oh there's some weird shit in there man. There's a dude sitting in the bushes. Does he have a gun? I don't know man. I don't know. What? Red team go. Red team go."  ~Half Baked

I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is this - there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minelli.
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

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