Two years of hard, grueling labor and kissing up to the boss at a publishing company had passed and after completing a three month project and closing a big book deal, my boss finally gave me recognition. Upon receiving a raise, I was also given a full two week all-expense paid trip to a small island off of Acapulco where most of the executives go on vacations. I was totally psyched about the whole thing, and quickly went home to call all my friends and my mom. I really needed a vacation after working long hours so I could get some sort of a repertoire within the company.
It was my first trip far away that I was going to be on my own, so I did have some anxiety and airplane jitters. I over packed like most women do, but with the tendencies of just in case so I brought my whole apartmentjust in case. I was so nervous on the plane that I could barely enjoy the first class luxuries other than the free booze, so I decided to drown my worries in the comfort of rum and coke.
As I was slowly drifting off into incoherent drunkenness I could faintly hear laughing that sounded so familiar, I could not believe it. It sounded like the shy, self-deprecating laughter of my late night hero, but bewildered and bombed, I brushed it off and I continued to watch the Barbara Streisand movie A Star is Born which I was so surprised to see in first class that it made me want to get up a go see the movie playing in coach, but almost feeling sick, I just sat back in my seat and dealt with it. Then, I heard it again, only this time I was sure I wasnt imaging it,
This is the only Jew I can think of that has some kind of rhythm! the familiar voice said, half laughing.
I was so sure it was him after I heard that, that I sprang from my seat and looked around, but saw nothing of a resemblance of my god. As the man next to me looked at me as if I was mad, I turned back around disappointed and dosed off to sleep.
* * *
I had arrived at a lavish hotel, full of wonder and excitement of what I was going to do in the very warm place. I was astounded to see in my room little mints and little bottles of alcohol, because I was not used to this when I normally go to the Cockroach Hotel three towns over. I had decided to do some site seeing and maybe hit a tiki bar or a club. I also had to call all my friends and tell them I got there ok and finally end the night ordering anything I wanted from room service. The rest of me week I had planned to lounge on the beach and work on my less than flattering tan.
After dancing all night at some weird club, and one too many margaritas later, I had woken up in a bit of a stuber with five leis around my neck and pineapple in my hair, I managed to shower and make it to the beach just as it started to rain. Completely bummed, I turned on the weather channel to get the reporta big front had hit and they expect rain throughout the week. After about 30 minutes of sitting in my room doing nothing I decided to tour the hotel as I watched rain pour down like cats and dogs. As I was walking down to the lobby, I heard two young girls talking about a celebrity staying in the hotel, but nobody knew who he was, which lead me to wonder if it was him.
After three days of a torrential downpour and spending my entire vacation indoors, on the day before I had to leave it was a beautiful sunny day. I was up early and was eager to spend a day at the beach, so I packed my tanning oil, books and blanket and was off. As soon as I had arrived I picked a nice spot at a nice secluded spot of the beach, which I was kind of surprised no one was at except for two families and a man who looked strikingly familiar. Ignoring the mans familiarity, I laid down and pulled out my new book, Naked Pictures of Famous People and began reading. Then the man who was sitting near me looked over and said:
"Thats a pretty interesting book you are reading? Whats it about?" I looked up and realized who it was and in utter awe my jaw dropped.
"I guess I would know a bit about that book since I wrote it, huh?" he said
I just stared at him and was trying to speak, but no words came out
"Hi, my name is..."
"I know who you are! I thought it was you! you were on my plane...uhhh" I managed to spit out.
"uh, Jon Stewart...pleased to meet you."
I continued to stare in complete amazement.
"...and this is the part where you tell me your name"
"Umm, wow I cant believe this...oh my name is Maggie"
"So, Maggie, pleased to meet you! So you bought my book, sorry to hear that, did you get the free KFC coupons inside? I put those in so the book wouldnt be a total disappointment." Jon said as he gingerly giggled at himself.
I could not believe I was sitting there, chatting it up with the most gorgeous man on TV, on an island in the Caribbean.
"Actually, Mr. Stewart, I really enjoy your book, its great, this is like my tenth time reading it."
"Well Miss Maggie, thats mighty kind of you to say that. You can call me Jon. So, what do you do?" Jon asked as the sun glistened of his freakishly white body that made him seem to be like a god.
"Well, I am a publicist."
Jon and I continued to make small chat for at least an hour of what had seemed to be the best hour in my entire lifetime, but it seemed to go by so fast, like seconds. It was great and then it suddenly started to pour down rain like crazy! I quickly grabbed my things and ran to find shelter and the wind started to violently pick up. I went to the nearest building which was a bar, and I found Jon trailing behind me, I sat down and tried to dry myself off, and was surprised to find him still in my presence. He offered to by me a drink and I agreed, but first asking where his wife was and if it was okay for us to be hanging together in a bar. He told me that they were separated, because Tracey could not handle the stresses of being married to a celebrity. With a sense of sadness and pity for him and gave him a consoling pat on the hand, to seem understanding, but I was bursting with joy that this hunk of a man before me was now available. We ended up staying at the bar for hours just talking about anything and everything. I asked him what it was like being famous, and if he had changed at all since he had. He asked me the usual things, like where I was from, where I went to school and what I did for a living.
Jon offered to buy me dinner, but being the independent woman that I was, offered to pay for myself. After awhile the place started to liven up and music was playing as more people streamed into the bar. The music that was playing filled the room as we talked and gazed at each other in an almost connected way. It was almost surreal. I felt as though I was dreaming. As the music played I suddenly wanted to dance and asked Jon if he wanted to join me. He said he hadn't really danced since his wedding, and it was so horrible that he accidentally sprained his bride's toe by stepping on her feet so much. Being an equally horrid dancer I managed to coax him into it, and since we were both a little tipsy, we didnt seem to care if we looked like fools. Nobody knew us there anyway. We danced the whole night, and Jon was actually a great dancer.
The time seemed to go by so fast that when I realized it was three in the morning and my flight was supposed to take off at seven, I told him I should go back to the hotel and pack or at least get an hour of sleep. Disappointed, Jon asked what hotel I was staying in so he could escort me back, when interestingly enough; we were staying in the same hotel on the same floor, so he walked me all the way to my room, giggling hysterically the whole way at how weirdly short we were compared to everyone else. When we reached my room, Jon got very serious and started to stare at me in a weird way into my eyes.
"You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." Jon said in a longing tone.
"Thank you Jon, thats sweet of you, I like your hair!"
"Maggie, I must say that this is the most fun I have had in months, I really needed it, what with my marital problems and being busy with the show and all."
"Well I am glad you enjoyed yourself, it was really great being with you. Im sad it has to end so soon."
"We could have it last a little longer if you wanted, I mean...I hope I'm not being too overbearing, this isn't the margaritas talking"
"No, no you're not, its just that you are vulnerable and I don't want to step into something I shouldnt and I think you are still hurting right now, and...I just met you."
"I see...thats okay, you are probably right. I think I have just made an ass of myself. Damn you are pretty wise for your years."
"No Jon, you didnt. Its okay."
Just then Jon took me by the hand, leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. He was so soft. When I leaned in I could smell his sweet cologne as he ran his fingers through my hair. For that moment I was in heaven and didn't want to leave, I could have stayed there forever, or better yet, let him in my room. But my moral goodness would not let me. Here I was making out with this gorgeous, comedic god and I was in the shoes of where millions of women and girls wanted to be, and yet, I could not bring myself to go all the way with him. We were standing there for about five minutes when I had to stop him; it was time for me to go.
"I'm sorry Jon, but I really have to go."
"Okay, okay, Maggie, here's my phone number, call me whenever you come to New York, maybe you could come see a taping of the show and we can do dinner. I would love to see you again and I'm not just saying that." and with that he kissed me once more and then autographed the paper with his number on it.
Now you can show all your friends. Jon giggled slightly, but I could tell he really didnt want to leave.
I tried to take it all in on our final embrace, but it was impossible. I had just achieved the impossible dream, and lived out my fantasy, almost every womans fantasy for that matter. I was on cloud nine, and as I went into my room, I knew I would not be able to sleep, as the whole day's events swam inside my head. All I could think of was I made out with Jon Stewart, Jon frickin Stewart. I could have had him! Man I could have had him three times if I wanted!!!
The next morning I awoke with another raging hangover, but with the light dreamy feelings that were left over from the night before, which sort of proved to me that it wasnt all a dream. I showered and packed my bags quickly, just knowing I was going to be late. I didnt really bother to brush my hair, and proceeded to venture down to the lobby.
As I went through the lobby and waited for a taxi, I heard some girls talking amongst themselves.
"Oh my god! Thats him!" and they ran towards a small crowd.
As I looked at the commotion, I smiled, looked down at the small piece of paper, entered my cab, and went home.